Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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