Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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