Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
