He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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