after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
