ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
