I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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