Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
