Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
