so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize