Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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