I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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