How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
