And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
