I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
