If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
The air taste purple.
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