I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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