I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
