I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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