omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
