went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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