Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
