put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
