You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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