loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
