she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
