I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
