He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
