my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I checked into jail on foursquare
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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