how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
