Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Nicole vs. Life
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
