The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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