It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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