***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
