I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
