if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found puke in my bra..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
