if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
