we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
