I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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