Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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