I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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