pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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