Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My vagina is officially offended.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize