she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
