can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
