I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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