I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
