remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
