my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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