Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
