god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
