I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
