I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
