So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
