Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
