I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
