I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Please don't give away my fajitas
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
