That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
