I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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