so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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